A guest blog by Melody George
I have a story to tell you. Usually I tend to write when things are going great. But it would be unfair to paint an inaccurate picture of what life is really like out here (especially to those of you thinking about moving out here); to eliminate the stressful times - the times when I feel like I'm just getting by - like I'm just treading water. Or worse, sinking. It's not that I especially relish being this transparent about my personal life, but that I feel it necessary - I feel compelled - to share the story. It's a rather long story. It's the story of Peter walking on water, looking down and seeing the height of the waves, starting to sink. It's about the grace of God to reach down and lift him back up, despite his lack of faith. And it's about God enabling him to walk on the water once again. This is that story, re-told.
Beginning of July, I didn't have work. There were various things I was waiting on, though - some editing work from BY, another short video for F&V Media, then the chance to go and to Nashville and shoot a promo video and make $2000. Well, I didn't get the gig with BY (I was occupied spending lots of money to get my car registered in the state of CA). The F&V People said they weren't quite ready to move forward and it might be another month. And last minute, the promo video got pushed to Sept. It was halfway through July, I hadn't made a dollar that month, and I was still a little behind from June. Everything I'd counted on had fallen through, and another rent check was due in 2 weeks. I started freaking out.
There were other things going on to stress me out. Weird pains in my right leg that got to the point where I could only walk a few blocks at a time. I went to doctors, and they weren't able to do much more than recommend some treatment which I couldn't afford, and of course my insurance didn't cover. On top of this I've continued to deal with back pain despite a fairly rigorous physical therapy routine at the gym every morning. These two handicaps limited the types of jobs I was able to apply for, all the while forcing me to spend money when I wasn't making any.
Between the financial instability, the physical pain, and some equally intense emotional stuff I was dealing with which I won't go into, I reached a spiritual low that I've never really experienced before. I wish I could describe exactly how I saw things in those moments. I just didn't know what to do. And of course I prayed, for specific things - for money to afford the medical care I needed, for a job that would accommodate my back problem, help me grow creatively as a filmmaker, and allow me to be a blessing to others, while providing for my financial needs. But it seemed like He just wasn't coming through this time. I reached a point of almost rebellious distrust: Well God, if you're not going to provide, I'm going to figure things out myself. I started applying for jobs like crazy online, and signing up with temp agencies. These were the proper steps, but the motive was wrong. It came from fear and distrust rather than a simple "I'm going to do my part and trust you, God, to provide."
But at the same time that God is there to ruthlessly root out with one hand anything in us that is sinful and unholy, he is there with the other to comfort and to heal.
I was pretty much at my darkest point, but I went to church and New Dawn Christian Village with my roommate Tamara, and it was like the entire service was tailored specifically to me. During the greeting time I passed by the Pastor and he asked me how my week was. "So so," I said. He looked at me and said, "We'll talk more later. I know how to pray for you." Then the service started, and they sang my song. MY song. And if you haven't heard 200 black voices blow the house down, in my opinion you really haven't lived. The sermon - "Where is Your Faith" - was about Peter taking his eyes off Christ, focusing on the storm, on the waves, and starting to sink. "Trust in God, trust in Jehovah Jira, your Provider. He will not let you go." Afterwards I went up front with several others, and the pastor prayed for us. He put his hand on my head and said, "We spoke earlier. He told me to tell you it's gonna be ok." A lady whose name I didn't even know came up and put her arm around me and said God had put me on her mind that morning. She went outside and prayed with me, and she said things she could not have possibly known to say. At the end I told her I was afraid I would become bitter because of the emotional stuff I was dealing with. She said she could tell just by looking in my face that I could not become bitter... that I was not the type of person who was able to become bitter.
The most amazing thing of all is just that God Himself reached out to me through these people - to comfort and to heal with a tenderness and an intimacy that is just... well... unbelievable.
The following week I still didn't find work, still had to deal with the pain, and like a good Israelite I slipped back into the mode of distrust. The attack was brilliant. Why does he provide for your spiritual needs but not your physical ones? Why isn't there any real, tangible help? What were you thinking, moving out here?
And again, He sought me out. At church the next week - this time at Hollywood SDA - a guy I didn't know said he felt impressed to talk to me, to ask me more about my week. I told him what I was dealing with, and then he prayed for me - for healing emotionally, physically, spiritually. He prayed for my faith. He reiterated: He will not abandon you, He will provide; it's gonna be ok.
Wow. I left in tears. It blew me away that once again, God would reach out in such an intimate way. How could I NOT trust myself to that? The rest of that weekend I was able to relax, to let go of the worries, stop striving and just BE.
On Monday morning I was planning to call in at the temp agency but before I could, I got a call from the School of Cinema and Performing Arts where I had applied for a T.A. job at their summer camp. I was hired that day. Three weeks of full time work doing what I love, that would pretty much cover my expenses for the next month, plus the amount I was behind from the previous month.
Even more significant was the chance I had to minister to these kids. I was teaching a group of 12-14 year-olds, and formed some amazing bonds with several of them. They were able to open up about divorced parents, anorexic best friends, what it's like to not fit in at school... To have a 12-year old tell you,"I'm just counting down the days till I get to go home, but you're really helping me get through this," pretty much makes your week. To have all the loser unpopular kids sort of gravitate to you, and to be able to make them feel wanted... to have the chance to tell Kayla (who would constantly complain about how fat she is, though she's not) that she's beautiful, or to tell the girl with the severely scarred face that you appreciated her performance...
I would drive home at the end of the day with such conflicted emotions. Such overwhelming despair at the evil these kids are dealing with and my inability to change it, and simultaneously such overwhelming joy at the chance to reach out to just a couple of them. And that God can use this proud, faithless, emotionally needy, broken body to do it...
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Cor 12)
The fact is, God is big enough to use anything and anyone to accomplish his purposes. And really, to be caught up in his purposes - it's the only way to live.
I want to live the rest of my life with the passion, the misery, and the joy that I've had for the past two weeks. I heard a pretty amazing sermon online recently called "Don't Waste Your Life." You should all find some time - that's right, carve out a whopping 45 minutes - and listen. It's about ultimate devotion to Christ; how every day, every dollar, every breath, and ultimately even your death can glorify God.
Here's the link:
I'm on a plane right now headed out to ASI (Adventist Laymen's Services and Industries). I was asked to come and share what it's like to be a missionary in Hollywood. I have to miss the last few days of film camp to do it, but God provided the funds to cover the entire trip. He is faithful, even when we're not.
My prayer for you is for deliberateness, for focus, for weakness you can glory in, and glorify Him in... and for the joy that comes from being used by him.
Don't look down.
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Melody George is a filmmaker currently residing in LA. She is on a journey toward contentment.
Continue the journey...
by Leslie Foster
